I am not sure what it is about parenting, dunno if it is the fact that I go hours without sleeping at night or if it's just that I spend countless hours on people other than myself just letting me slip further and further away into the abyss. I am definitely losing me most days. I would give anything for a day or two to just go to the bathroom and shower alone. Sip coffee alone, with no noise. Read my bible alone, without noise. Yea, you can say all the predictive sweet mom things like grandma says, oh enjoy every moment honey, there will be plenty of alone time when they are gone. Yea, that's real helpful, making me feel like more crap than I already do. The truth is I can't do it better. I can't do anything any better than the bare insides of me can handle. I am all spread thin right out there on display for the world to see at their judgement just because I am a mom. And truthfully, only another mom knows what I am saying so if you aren't a parent, don't bother judging.
I am stuck in this world of kids who I love more than life and that is why I keep giving mine (life) up daily. Oh, it's the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't even know who Kandice is anymore. I used to be beautiful, fun, energetic, healthy and full of life and love. Now, I am tired, frumpy, cranky, irritable, short-tempered and frustrated most of the time. Why? Because there is now no room for fun in my life. There is only fun for the people who surround me. Every day is another grand adventure how to make them have a good time while I sit and just try to make through one cup of coffee without screaming. I am a mess and would give anything for a day to myself. Truth is, I miss them. This is the cycle that moms go through constantly, feel like crap because there is no time for me. Finally, I get a break, feel like crap still because I briefly begin feeling refreshed without them. Have a good time for ten minutes, don't worry, I'll be over that in thirty seconds because I am taking away time that they could have. The saga makes its way repeatedly.
The fact is, it's time for a change, a new belief system. Something I believe is keeping me from having joy and I can't quite put my finger on it. I look at myself in the mirror and I just don't want to be this way. I spend no time on self-care. I was never like this before and I just want to feel like me again. I still want to be an amazing mother too!
I am stuck in this world of kids who I love more than life and that is why I keep giving mine (life) up daily. Oh, it's the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't even know who Kandice is anymore. I used to be beautiful, fun, energetic, healthy and full of life and love. Now, I am tired, frumpy, cranky, irritable, short-tempered and frustrated most of the time. Why? Because there is now no room for fun in my life. There is only fun for the people who surround me. Every day is another grand adventure how to make them have a good time while I sit and just try to make through one cup of coffee without screaming. I am a mess and would give anything for a day to myself. Truth is, I miss them. This is the cycle that moms go through constantly, feel like crap because there is no time for me. Finally, I get a break, feel like crap still because I briefly begin feeling refreshed without them. Have a good time for ten minutes, don't worry, I'll be over that in thirty seconds because I am taking away time that they could have. The saga makes its way repeatedly.
The fact is, it's time for a change, a new belief system. Something I believe is keeping me from having joy and I can't quite put my finger on it. I look at myself in the mirror and I just don't want to be this way. I spend no time on self-care. I was never like this before and I just want to feel like me again. I still want to be an amazing mother too!
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